the temple bell stops but the sound keeps coming
 
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July 2009
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I have no idea what to do with my life.

I mean, I do not know what to do in the next 10 minutes. I do not know what I want to do for my job over the summer. For my classes next semester. For my study abroad possibilities the semester after that. For my thesis. For my career.

I declared my major, and I've been having non-stop anxiety attacks about it ever since. I love English, but it is the helpless, impotent love of someone who doesn't believe it will ever amount to anything. My mother majored in English and got absolutely no where with it--never found a job she loved, or even liked, I think--even though she is a capable and quick-witted employee. I am neither of those things. I couldn't even hold down a summer job mixing smoothies, for fuck's sake. I'm practically unemployable as it is, why am I adding to the disaster that is my future resume?

And sometimes I hate my major, very specifically, because despite the fact that Barnard and Columbia are supposedly all buddy-buddy now, my major's department flouts all hints of bureaucratic progress in favor of being hugely backwards bitches and insisting I have to take 6 of my required 10 major-fulfilling courses on the Barnard side of the street, even though 90% of the 1800s-related courses are taught at Columbia. I'm going to try to kill two birds with one resentful stone on this issue and take enough courses to fill my entire Junior Colloquium requirement in one semester (this involves taking extra substitute courses, thus increasing my Barnard course count), leaving me with a semester to study abroad, worry-free (in an academic sense, at least).

I want to go to the UK so badly it has become a palpable ache in my chest. I have to study abroad there or else I will never, ever forgive myself. The question is where. There are about 30 options for me to choose from in England and Scotland, and none of them jump out at me in any particular way. I like the idea of Edinburgh, but it seems sort of weird to go there for the spring semester when it will be dark and freezing until probably a week before I leave.

I find it sort of ironic that my deepest fantasies right now involve fleeing NYC, the setting of all my previous deepest fantasies. I still love the idea of New York, and really, I love Barnard and Columbia most of the time. It's just that somewhere in the merger of the two is this trap of having no desire to crawl out of bed after a week of classes and taking flak from all sides for not taking advantage of the city more.

That is not to say that I have much of a desire to crawl out of bed during the week either. Burnout isn't great, guys. I really need to go to sleep, but all of this keeps swirling around in my head until I end up running to my delicious network to find something to quiet my thoughts for a few minutes at a time.

Looking over this post, I think it might be mostly incoherent. Time to pass out from exhaustion. I'm probably going to regret posting this later, but it's probably better to have it all out and set down somewhere than just mulling around in my head. Good night/morning to all.

Mood sullenMood sullen
Music Wild Honey - U2
Tags: angst, barnard, nyc
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So I've kind of been ignoring the Intranets in favor of being with people in RL. How strange! How new! I've reached this strange plateau where I am consistently about 70 entries behind on my flist.

Well, behind on everything except [livejournal.com profile] thremedon and [livejournal.com profile] mistful. Speaking of, NEW COVERRRR. Speaking of, LASSST CHAPTTTTEEEEEERRRRRRRS.

Some DDG fangirling and some fandom-related ranting. )



Moving on to other aspects of my geekery, I have finally seen the original Star Wars trilogy and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. My nerd cred has received a major boost!

As for other endings I've experienced lately, cut for some anime fangirling of Itazura Na Kiss and Natsume Yuujinchou, minimal spoilers for series/season finales. )

On the RL nerd front, I went to (1) Equus last Wednesday for a pre-season showing and only paid $30 because Columbia is very good to its students. I loved it. I loved it so much I didn't even pay attention to DanRad's exposed package. I also went to (2) NY Anime Fest on Saturday, which was a nice time. I got to hang out with some cool firsties and [livejournal.com profile] splintercat and her boy-thing. And then, (3) Neil Gaiman's tour stop for NY was at Columbia['s Teachers College]! I take inordinate pride in this. Yay for Columbia supporting the geeky side of book-learning! So I went and had a lovely time listening to Neil be funny and wise for two hours, and now I have a signed copy of The Graveyard Book to show for it, even if I don't know when I'll be able to read beyond the first chapter.

Which brings me to the actually real RL front, where school is sort of getting away from me. I have a paper due for Romantic Poetry on Monday, which happens to be the day of my Psych midterm, and I am not ready for either. Can I write five pages on the use of the word "minstrelsy" in Coleridge's poems? I like the idea because it allows me to explore interpretations we already touched on in class (automatically know I'm not doing it wrong!), but still, writing an entire paper on one word could present a challenge.

(Also, I really want to drop Psych? The readings are unbelievably boring, it really does nothing for my transcript, and I have discovered I have issues with being awake at 8:30 on a Monday morning, surprise surprise. However, I've already promised my friends in that class that I would do a share of the study guide, so I am forced to stay on until the midterm, which is the day before the drop deadline? Dilemma...)

Also, one of my friends--previously referred to on this journal as Paypay--is in the Sign Language Club and has been teaching me things. Today, I learned how to sign "L-U-K-E, I (AM) YOUR FATHER" and "NOOOOOOOO." Also, "What's up, zebra?" is our new unofficial catchsign. You heard it here first.

And thus, this tl;dr post to break all tl;dr posts has come full circle at 6 o'clock in the morning. It is time for me to put this and myself to bed.

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I wish I was in a better mood when I finally got around to making a school post, but haha, we make due with what we've got.

My classes this semester are AMAZING. I'm taking this totally incomprehensible class on "Language and Culture" which is fascinating even as half of every lecture goes over my head. I've got Astronomy, which I'm taking to fill my lab requirement, but is turning out to be interesting and fun nonetheless. There's also Psychology of Learning which is only there to fill out my schedule, but is again, interesting, and the professor knows how to engage her audience. AND THEN THERE ARE MY 4000-LEVEL ENGLISH CLASSES.

I'm taking a class on Romantic Poetry with this man, I'm totally in heart. He's such a consummate poetry professor, half dork and half unbelievably melodic speaking voice. He's got a reputation for making poetry fun for people who do not consider it fun in the least. So obviously, he sends me into paroxysms of joy. So great. So awesome. So much love. I thought I was going to have to twiddle my thumbs until Byron and Shelley, BUT NO. HE EVEN MAKES ME LOVE BLAKE. BATSHIT INSANE, OVERLY CHRISTIAN/MYSTIC BLAKE.

THEN. OMG THEN. LITERATURE OF THE FIN-DE-SI√ąCLE. It is a Victorian Literature class only on the 1890s. THE SYLLABUS, GUYS. It's got Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dracula, etc etc etc. If you haven't noticed, there is A LOT OF GAY in A LOT OF NINETEENTH CENTURY LITERATURE. I CAN'T DEAL. AND EVEN MORE, THE TEACHER IS AWESOME. I think I scared her with my little sophomore enthusiasm. I figure eventually I'll tell her I wrote my freshman research paper on Victorian homoeroticism in Heart of Darkness and then all will become clear, but for now I am just this silly little girl in this class half-full of graduate students and I DON'T CARE.

And even more than that, I continue to live in the pockets of all my friends here, which has given me so much joy. Even more so because this is the most I've let myself get close to people in such a long time and I'm not being hated! There's so much love in my life right now its sort of stupid and sappy.

ETA: Of course, OF COURSE, I was PMSing. God. Ignore, ignore! I'm really happy! I am not one of those people who is still on LJ because she likes to verbally masturbate about how emo she is! Really! Blame it on my raging hormones! )

Mood determinedMood determined
Music Jikan yo Tomare - Azu ft. Seamo - Itazura na Kiss
Tags: angst, barnard, rl, school
search soleil [userpic]

THE POST BELOW IS THE REASON PEOPLE TELL YOU NOT TO GIVE YOUR PASSWORDS TO FRIENDS EVEN WHEN YOU ARE SORT OF INTERNET MARRIED TO THEM.

THE LIE IS PROVEN BY [livejournal.com profile] splintercat SAYING AS ME THAT MY BRAIDS ARE A TRIBUTE TO A JEDI PADAWAN WHEN IT IS A WIDELY KNOWN FACT THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A SINGLE STAR WARS MOVIE EVER IN MY LIFE, AND THUS WOULD NOT BE WILLING OR ABLE TO MAKE THAT CONNECTION.

Anyway, yes, I am back at Barnard and instead of living in [livejournal.com profile] splintercat's LJ!pocket, I have taken up semi-permanent residence in her suite.

My roommate is awesome awesome [livejournal.com profile] loweryourwand and our room is awesome awesome high ceilings and access to the fire escape. However, our suite is not awesome awesome--it is in point of fact kind of sketchy--and the only suitemate I have really become acquainted with is sort of made of epic fail in the communal living department. Follow along the story as it develops!

Now, to sleep!

Mood accomplishedMood accomplished
Music Grease Is The Word - Grease
Tags: barnard, barnard is the school of fandom, idk my bff saezutte, rl, wtf
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HELLO EVERYONE.

I BROUGHT [livejournal.com profile] splintercat SOME AMAZING GIFTS (I.E. MATCHING L AND RAITO BOOKMARKS!) FROM OTAKON LIKE 4 HOURS AGO AND I ENDED UP JUST NEVER LEAVING HER SUITE. BECAUSE SHE (AND HER SUITEMATE PAY-PAY!) ARE JUST THAT CHARMING AND ADORABLE.

NOW WE ARE WATCHING LOTR WITH CAST COMMENTARY HAHAHA. AND NOW I'M SAYING HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT LOTR DOUJINSHI TO POOR [livejournal.com profile] splintercat WHO IS CRYING FOR HER CHILDHOOD HERE, OMG LOTR SHOULD NOT HAVE DOUJINSHI JAPAN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED NEAR LOTR.

OMG LOOK AT HOW CUTE MY MOOD THEME IS! HAHA, LOOK AT THIS ICON TOO, I'VE NEVER SEEN HERMYSELF USE THIS ONE.

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So, today was basically the best day ever.

Well, I had scary final to do and that kind of sucked, but then the thing itself went pretty well, even if it was sooo muuuch writing (three long hours of analysis in the form of short responses on Europe as an imagined space as presented in EVERY BOOK/ARTICLE WE EVER READ IN THAT COMPLIT CLASS, WHAT THE HELLLL). Afterward he gave me back the goddamn paper that I didn't proofread and wrote at the very last minute and practically had a nervous breakdown over and I got a B+ on it, which is more than I could have hoped, and then cut for gratuitous bragging )

WHY IS THIS GUY SO NICEEE?

Then we had a long socio/psychoanalytical discussion about why my Dad refuses to go back to France, which was awkward, but kind of cool because who doesn't like to psychoanalyze their parents. :?

So my brain was kind of fried, and I didn't know what to do with myself, so I started trying to pack and found a plate I'd borrowed from a friend who lives on [livejournal.com profile] loweryourwand's floor. I went to return it, but she'd taken down her name label from her door so I headed over to [livejournal.com profile] loweryourwand's room to ask the number. Luckily, when I opened to door I was not only greeted by [livejournal.com profile] loweryourwand herself, but also 1) the person I was looking for, and 2) the most delicious smelling brownies I have ever sniffed in my life. AND THEN I GOT TO EAT ONE. GOD. THEY HAD CHOCOLATE CHIPS, AND CRUSHED GRAHAM CRACKERS, AND GIANT, MELTY MARSHMALLOWS. ALSO, THEY WERE UNDERCOOKED AND STILL WARM FROM THE OVEN. GOD. I AM SO GLAD I AM ROOMING WITH THIS GIRL NEXT YEAR. SHE WILL BAKE AND I WILL HEAP PRAISES UPON HER AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE HAPPY FUNTIMES LAND OF BAKED GOODS. Also, we can never fight because I will never want to ever be cut off from such delicious things of great deliciousness. LEGENDARY BROWNIES, GUYS. OMNOMNOM.

Then roommate and rommate's friend from home staying with roommate wanted to go eat, so we all went to Le Monde. I got to have the cheese and fruit platter which is also a thing of legend. And slightly less legendary coq au vin, but nonetheless, yummy french food.

AND THEN, WHILE WE WERE EATING YUMMY FRENCH FOOD, SHOEBOX UPDATED.

Life is so good right now.

Tomorrow I am going to try to go on an adventure. The adventure will involve going to the new Kinokuniya store. I haven't decided what else yet, but it will be adventuresome. Hopefully.

Hopefully, the universe will not decide to make up for all the yay today by balancing my world with a mugging. You never know

Mood contentMood content
Music Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) - Mika
Tags: barnard, barnard is the school of fandom, food, rl, sbp, school
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After I finished my final today, [livejournal.com profile] splintercat and I got together to finish watching Oofuri. God, that show is so adorable. Adorably gay. But mostly adorable.

Also, last night was Midnight Breakfast, a traditional thing at Barnard that happens the night before finals officially start. There's always a theme, and this semester is was Disney!~~<3

So basically 50% of Barnard was moving through the gymnasium as the speakers blasted a motley collection of Disney tunes. I spent the night stealing stuff from the centerpieces, so now I have stickers, stand up paper dolls of Cinderella, Aurora, and Jasmine, and a very pink--as well as rather large--castle. Good night.

Because of that, and because [livejournal.com profile] splintercat told me I should, I'm posting one of my favorite MV tributes ever.

Disney girls cast as the ensemble of Moulin Rouge's Lady Marmalade, plus bonus Oofuri AMV )

Mood tiredMood tired
Music Case of the Ex - Mya
Tags: anime, barnard, barnard is the school of fandom, disney, idk my bff saezutte, oofuri
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1) New default icon! Everybody should read Kimi ni Todoke (Reaching You). It's only on the third chapter or so, but it is lovely and hilarious. Sort of a mix of PGE/Wallflower's premise and Fruits Basket's good-heartedness.

2) It has come to pass that basically everyone I talk to about NYCC ends up deciding to go. Something about the call of the awesome. I am merely a messenger!

3) My birthday was sort of weird this year, mostly because I've been kind of down and nothing really spectacular happened to get me out of it. I will say that marathoning a bit of Oofuri with [livejournal.com profile] splintercat was awesome, because that is just how Oofuri and marathons are. My Domo wall calendar has Domo playing baseball for April, and I find this fitting and appropriate.

4) I played Katamari Damacy! I suck less than Akira Touya, but more than just about everyone in the real world! (This is kind of how video games and me are. I have trouble spatially coordinating myself in my own body with my own eyes. Asking me to spatially coordinate myself with little joysticks is perhaps too much to ask.) Someday I will get someone to play Kingdom Hearts I and II and the Phoenix Wright games for me, but I fear I have a long time to wait still.

5) Insert gratuitous and rather cryptic mention of Cthulhu here that really boils down to "Okay, I am totally obsessed with CUSFS."

6) My academic life still sucks. Every single class I'm taking this semester is leaving me dissatisfied for one reason or another, and yet I am still busting my butt to make B+ averages. This is new and rather unpleasant for me. :/

7) I am sort of in a yaoi/sho-ai phase right now and I think those who share this interest should run and not walk to Yamada Yugi's Darenimo Aisarenai and other works because they seriously make me incoherent with love. There's another one I know I meant to rec, but a lot of time has passed between that thought and this entry.

8) Damn you Diana! Just so everyone knows, The Big Bang Theory is awesome.

ETA: Why I shouldn't make journal entries on little sleep in the wee hours of the morning: vague descriptors ahoy! ('Kind of's and 'sort of's in this entry: 5, as well as 'basically,' 'rather,' 'something,' 'or so,' and 'for one reason or another.')

Mood awakeMood awake
Music History of Everything - Barenaked Ladies
Tags: anime, barnard, barnard is the school of fandom, games, holiday, idk my bff saezutte, kimi ni todoke, manga, nycc, oofuri, school, tv, yaoi
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I hate the fact that I have writer's block in the eleventh hour, with a goddamn outline right in front of my face. I just want to write this piece of shit and be done with it, but instead of contemplating the aesthetic of poverty in Ireland, my brain is broadcasting nothing but grey television snow. I HATE MY GODDAMN SHIT-ASS LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I need to stop panicking and complaining and just keep writing. I know this. Off I go.

ETA: Things going along slightly better now at 4 in the morning. Am now merely annoyed that I am working with an 80-some-odd page zerox copy (held together by a binder clip, no less) that makes it very cumbersome to skim for relevant quotes.

ETA2: It occurs to me that I should clarify: the paper I'm writing is not for the English class with the passive-aggressive teacher. She just contributed to the writer's block.

Mood panickedMood panicked
Music Brain Problem Situation - They Might Be Giants
Tags: angst, barnard, rl, school
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Sometimes I make this silent promise to myself that I will stop staying up until 6-ish every fucking day of the week, because I know it is bad for my health and my future and social life, but then nights like this happen and I know that while I may eventually cut down, I will never be able to give them up.

There is something so simple and gratifying about being awake in the middle of the night. Nobody expects you to be doing anything other than sleep. Whatever you choose to do with that time instead, it's all yours.

It just so happens that tonight (start time: 12:30) I watched Stranger Than Fiction with my roommate, A. This was only my second time seeing that movie, and while I enjoyed it that first time, seeing it again, with all the subtleness of its cinematography and graphic additions open to my notice, I realized for the first time that that movie is superb. Everything about it is superb. It deserves superlatives.

We had to break so that I could go do the radio show, and since Diana was off having her citizenship validated and suchlike, I brought A down with me and we had a lovely, lazy time cranking out tunes from 2-4.

Then we came back and finished the movie and I squeed some more about it, by which time A was heartily sick of me and went to bed which left me free to do a quick email check, where I learned that Drop Dead Gorgeous had updated with Chapter 10.

And then I read Chapter 10.

And then I lost my head. I went running down the hall the the study lounge--which was empty, thank God--and had a flailing FIT, in capital letters, complete with manic laughter and twitching and arm movements not seen in nature. AND IT WAS 5 IN THE MORNING SO I COULD DO IT AND KNOW THAT NO ONE WOULD WANDER IN AND SPOIL THE REVELRY IN MY MADNESS.

YES. And now I have a huge headache, but IT IS WORTH IT. YAY, 5AM.

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