Sometimes I have this weird feeling that there's no way I'm surviving past 20. I've had this feeling since before I can remember. Maybe it's really just a weird sense of intuition and I should start saying those rosaries now. Or maybe it's some sort of weird mechanism of denial that my somewhat advanced little mind came up with in an early stage of my life. A little voice in the back of my head that says, "Don't worry about it. You won't live that long anyway.” The part of my brain that makes it nearly impossible to think of my interests of study on any level of practical application. The part of my brain that makes me paranoid about all forms of unnatural death.

Is this a part of everyone's psyche? Am I an aggravated case?

On the flipside, I think I dread the future more than is strictly necessary. I can see myself surviving, passing 20 and moving on into 30, wasting away at a desk job pushing paper, filling my private hours with romance novels and cats. I can see it so well I can practically taste it, bitter and hard to swallow, like a pill, probably of the laxative variety. It makes me afraid.

I guess what I'm afraid of is my own personality. "You are your own worst enemy," right? I'm teetering on the edge of something. One way lies security and plans and acquiescence and terrible, quiet desperation. The other lets on nothing -- a blank slate, one that I can either write on or stare at for the rest of my life, trying to grasp that singular aspiration that could give my life a proper purpose. It's like staring and Microsoft Word, knowing you've got a term paper to write, but not knowing where to begin. In other words, it's bloody frustrating.

I guess I'm waiting for that click. That understated little moment where I suddenly hear myself saying, "Oh, so that was what I was going for." I'm not expecting something to just present itself to me. I'm not that naive. But I can hope that one day all of those little twinges of interest, those fleeting moments of "I wish I could spend my whole life doing this,” will coalesce into some tangible, practical form. And all of the extraneous stuff will file itself away for idle dabbling. Something I won't hate myself for doing for a better part of (possibly the rest of) my life. Something I might actually like.

I realize that some people know what they want to do at the tender age of 10. I also realize that some people struggle and must work harder than other people to achieve solid grades. I guess this is meant to be what I struggle with.

I just hope it comes to me eventually.



Okay. I'm sorry for the random introspective babbling. It was more an indescribable need to get these thoughts out of my head and down somewhere that I could examine it realistically, for what it was, and see where it lead. Sometimes the best psychiatrist is the one in your own head. Or at least I like to think so.

Mood listless Music Bedshaped - Keane Tags: rl, that day

Happy Earth Day, btw.

You're in trouble, I know, but I don't like cars all that much and am a big supporter of alternative forms of energy. I'll see what I can do.

Mood grateful Music Bend and Break - Keane Tags: holiday, that day

Goddamn book. Like I really needed a cry at this point.

*sniffles*

Mood sad Music She Has No Time - Keane Tags: books, that day

To add insult to injury, ladyjaida's father has Paul Bettany's guitar in his current possession.

A Knight's Tale ownz my soul, yo. I rented Wimbleton and paid late fees for this guy.

*flails helplessly in envy*

Mood jealous Music Ashita, Tenki Ni Nare - Miyavi Tags: fangirling, movies, no accounting for taste, that day

OK, I've Moved On From Being Busy To Blatant LJ Mistreatment. Somebody Contact lj_abuse!

...not really though, okay?

Dude, this is actually sort of funny:

What cluster is YOUR LJ on?

"search_soleil is on Tbone, subcluster 9."

Tbone??

N.T.S. It is okay to want to buy Artmis Fowl IV. If your aunts and uncles think you are still young enough to buy you the first three (even though you already secretly own them), then by God, you are allowed to read the new one and then blame it on them. *is devious*

Mood amused Music Somewhere Only We Know - Keane Tags: books, lj, wtf