search soleil (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
searchsoleil) wrote2008-09-13 04:24 pm
searchsoleil) wrote2008-09-13 04:24 pm
I'm sorry for all the tl;dr, guys.
I wish I was in a better mood when I finally got around to making a school post, but haha, we make due with what we've got.
My classes this semester are AMAZING. I'm taking this totally incomprehensible class on "Language and Culture" which is fascinating even as half of every lecture goes over my head. I've got Astronomy, which I'm taking to fill my lab requirement, but is turning out to be interesting and fun nonetheless. There's also Psychology of Learning which is only there to fill out my schedule, but is again, interesting, and the professor knows how to engage her audience. AND THEN THERE ARE MY 4000-LEVEL ENGLISH CLASSES.
I'm taking a class on Romantic Poetry with this man, I'm totally in heart. He's such a consummate poetry professor, half dork and half unbelievably melodic speaking voice. He's got a reputation for making poetry fun for people who do not consider it fun in the least. So obviously, he sends me into paroxysms of joy. So great. So awesome. So much love. I thought I was going to have to twiddle my thumbs until Byron and Shelley, BUT NO. HE EVEN MAKES ME LOVE BLAKE. BATSHIT INSANE, OVERLY CHRISTIAN/MYSTIC BLAKE.
THEN. OMG THEN. LITERATURE OF THE FIN-DE-SIÈCLE. It is a Victorian Literature class only on the 1890s. THE SYLLABUS, GUYS. It's got Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dracula, etc etc etc. If you haven't noticed, there is A LOT OF GAY in A LOT OF NINETEENTH CENTURY LITERATURE. I CAN'T DEAL. AND EVEN MORE, THE TEACHER IS AWESOME. I think I scared her with my little sophomore enthusiasm. I figure eventually I'll tell her I wrote my freshman research paper on Victorian homoeroticism in Heart of Darkness and then all will become clear, but for now I am just this silly little girl in this class half-full of graduate students and I DON'T CARE.
And even more than that, I continue to live in the pockets of all my friends here, which has given me so much joy. Even more so because this is the most I've let myself get close to people in such a long time and I'm not being hated! There's so much love in my life right now its sort of stupid and sappy.
And yet. And god, how much I hate myself for this, but. I am feeling the worst I've felt in a long time as well. Probably because I'm just so scared all the time that I'll do something wrong and it'll all be ruined before I've even had a chance to catch my breath from all this happiness. And every time I make even the smallest blunder my heart pounds crazily because inside I am still a broken child, it is pathetic.
And more then that, this summer was really traumatic. I had this horrible experience with my first job. I had and ended my first romantic experience. I spent all of August hiding from the consequences of that turbulent July, and I think I expected all of that to just fall away once I got back to college, and I'm finding that of course, things are not that easy. Damn.
Of course there is only one solution. I've got to suck it up and let myself be happy for however long that lasts. I've got to stop hiding. So that's what I'm going to try to do.
My classes this semester are AMAZING. I'm taking this totally incomprehensible class on "Language and Culture" which is fascinating even as half of every lecture goes over my head. I've got Astronomy, which I'm taking to fill my lab requirement, but is turning out to be interesting and fun nonetheless. There's also Psychology of Learning which is only there to fill out my schedule, but is again, interesting, and the professor knows how to engage her audience. AND THEN THERE ARE MY 4000-LEVEL ENGLISH CLASSES.
I'm taking a class on Romantic Poetry with this man, I'm totally in heart. He's such a consummate poetry professor, half dork and half unbelievably melodic speaking voice. He's got a reputation for making poetry fun for people who do not consider it fun in the least. So obviously, he sends me into paroxysms of joy. So great. So awesome. So much love. I thought I was going to have to twiddle my thumbs until Byron and Shelley, BUT NO. HE EVEN MAKES ME LOVE BLAKE. BATSHIT INSANE, OVERLY CHRISTIAN/MYSTIC BLAKE.
THEN. OMG THEN. LITERATURE OF THE FIN-DE-SIÈCLE. It is a Victorian Literature class only on the 1890s. THE SYLLABUS, GUYS. It's got Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dracula, etc etc etc. If you haven't noticed, there is A LOT OF GAY in A LOT OF NINETEENTH CENTURY LITERATURE. I CAN'T DEAL. AND EVEN MORE, THE TEACHER IS AWESOME. I think I scared her with my little sophomore enthusiasm. I figure eventually I'll tell her I wrote my freshman research paper on Victorian homoeroticism in Heart of Darkness and then all will become clear, but for now I am just this silly little girl in this class half-full of graduate students and I DON'T CARE.
And even more than that, I continue to live in the pockets of all my friends here, which has given me so much joy. Even more so because this is the most I've let myself get close to people in such a long time and I'm not being hated! There's so much love in my life right now its sort of stupid and sappy.
And yet. And god, how much I hate myself for this, but. I am feeling the worst I've felt in a long time as well. Probably because I'm just so scared all the time that I'll do something wrong and it'll all be ruined before I've even had a chance to catch my breath from all this happiness. And every time I make even the smallest blunder my heart pounds crazily because inside I am still a broken child, it is pathetic.
And more then that, this summer was really traumatic. I had this horrible experience with my first job. I had and ended my first romantic experience. I spent all of August hiding from the consequences of that turbulent July, and I think I expected all of that to just fall away once I got back to college, and I'm finding that of course, things are not that easy. Damn.
Of course there is only one solution. I've got to suck it up and let myself be happy for however long that lasts. I've got to stop hiding. So that's what I'm going to try to do.