searchsoleil | In which I lament being born with two X chromosomes

NOTE: I'm de-privitizing this because I created my LJ as a public journal and I want it to remain that way.

This has been terrible for me, personally, and I know why.

I really hate this. I know I complain every month about how annoying my period is, but fuck and goddamn it, if it wasn't so dehibilitating, I might take it better.

From the very first month that I got it, my period has been the bane of my existence. There are numerous reasons for this, and today, I feel the need to enumerate them.

Pain. Lots of pain. Even pre-menstral, my stomach gets into terrible knots. Then the first day is sheer agony. I know everybody gets cramps in their own way, but I am not lying or being histrionic when I say that in the first hour of each of my periods I seriously consider whether ritual suicide would be more or less painful than what I experience in those moments.
I become a whiny-ass bitch. I am not a whiny-ass bitch normally. I can whine, but God in His heaven, not as much as I do when I'm PMS- or just MS-ing. I get lazy and cannot muster energy or enthusiasm for necessary tasks. I loose all ability to deal with challenging circumstances in a mature or calm manner. If you don't come across my heightened temper, you will most certainly meet super-sensitized feelings; if I'm not yelling, I am on the brink of tears. People tell me after my episodes that they have been forced to re-evaluate their opinions of me, I am just that much of a different person.
Major non-psychotic disorders. Thus, embarassing situations or critical comments are played over and over in my head until I am completely pre-occupied and have to frantically scramble to distract myself. I hate my body, my personality, and my conduct. I constantly have to batle with myself to keep my composure intact and crowds send me to bathrooms in panic because I fear loosing face in front of them.

Usually, I can sort of skate on over these things. I can tell when I'm PMSing becuase I will get tears in my eyes over a small discouragement. Usually, it's just one short episode. "Oh, I must be PMSing. Watch out, get the pads!"

Not this week. One thing after another kept hitting me in each of my weak points. I crap out on tests. I freak out in my favorite class, which I feel bad enough about, but then Doc publicly ridicules me over it. I'm shot down in another class even though my question was sound. A friend basically stops speaking to me over a trival thing beyond my control. I am buried in demands on my time and not expecting work to slacken up any time soon.

And the worst part is, all of this is going on continuous loop. I cannot get it to stop unless I distract myself with things that only worsen my load.

I just want peace. Is that really too much to ask?