Ask me why and I'll spit in your eye!

[searchsoleil]

This is why I am neurotic, in a nutshell, but it's bothering me and I need to talk about it somewhere.

When something someone/I said embarrasses me greatly, I am rendered dumb in all forms of dignified damage control. Usually, I will start babbling or flailing in an attempt to disarm and distract so that I can make a quick exit to the bathroom for a quick cry/panic attack. Unfortunately, as I make the getaway, the moment for a proper reply disappears and no matter how much I want to punch the person/apologize to the victim I cannot find the courage to bring it up and resolve the issue once and for all. Then, it's like a tiny splinter on the bottom of my foot. It pokes me at odd moments and won't seem to come out no matter how much time I spend trying to extract it.

Someone very recently said something to me that at once sent me into a blind panic and enraged me to the point of incoherency. Of course, I was too busy flailing to take care of it in a way that I'd be able to live with. Of course, I have been itching to just talk to that person, but, no matter how much I want to tell that person what they said hurt me/made me angry/betrayed my trust in them, that person is not around right now and the more time separates me from the incident the less I feel comfortable bringing it up again.

The problem is, I'm still stuck with the splinter.

I make efforts to appear like a well-adjusted member of society in front of people I respect and admire. This is very much a front, but that does not change the fact that is is my choice to keep people who I don't trust to understand my weirdness in the dark about just how weird I am. People that I have trusted with those sides of me have no right to announce them to large groups of people. The fact that someone I call a friend would even think of doing that, knowing that it would really embarrass me, hurt and angered me in a way that I have trouble voicing.

And that's my catharsis for the week. *ducks away to distract herself with pretty manga chapters*

Comments

[mascaraeyes.livejournal.com]

I hope it wasn't me. I really hope not. It was unintentional if it was. I was drunk if it was.

(?)

I'm a nut, too.

[search-soleil.livejournal.com]

Huh? No, it wasn't you. If that person read this, they'd know instantly what I was talking about. It was an undeniably catty remark and the person was very conscious of making it, although maybe not conscious of how much it hurt me that it was said.

Yes, you are. :D