I have come to the realization that I am, in all senses of the word, a complete and utter freak. While I am quite worried for myself and more than vaguely horrified, I am also somewhat relieved that I can straight-facedly admit to it.

There are numerous reasons why I have come to this conclusion and most of them are stable facets of my personality. At some point in the distant past, I'm sure I hoped they were just phases, but I just realized about two and a half hours ago (it's just sinking in now) that they've always been around in some form or another and they don't plan on going away anytime soon.

I fear the last couple of years have just been the really splendid results of a potent mixture of repression and denial. The only difference between then and now is that now I believe there's no way my parents are responsible for everything that's the matter with me because, I mean, God, that would be even more disturbing than if I had brought it all on myself.

Lord help me when I'm out on my own and responsible for my own survival. I haven't a clue how I'll manage.


On a somewhat unrelated tangent, I'm completely flummoxed by how utterly obsessed I have been with The Smiths this past week. I don't understand it and I don't plan on trying to understand it, but I know on a very basic level that it has contributed to the overall WTF-ness of my mood right now.

This week has been plagued by headaches. Hair-induced, teeth-induced, eye-induced, car-induced, stress-induced, you name it and I've had it. It is really starting to get annoying. Right now, I've just got a my-left-frontal-lobe-is-trying-to-forcibly-remove-itself-from-my-skull-type headache and I'm in a right melancholy mood.

For some reason, I read a long, angsty fic today. I do not understand what comes over me when I do things like this. My head says "Oh, this is going to be a bad one" and then keeps reading and eventually my heart goes "Ow! Why did you do that? You are generally cruel and quite masochistic, head!" Goddamn you, Remus Lupin! Why must your life be so all-encompassingly tragic?

To placate myself for this rather unwise choice in reading material, I've spent the past hour looking at LJ icons of Messr. Moseley. I may be an otaku with a 2D-complex, but let it never be said that my hormones cannot be moved in the direction of the living.

/random.

Today has been alternately pleasant and horrible, with the horrible outweighing the pleasant by only enough to depress me mildly. In other words, nothing a few kind words and some comfort fic hasn't eased.

In other news, the LJ (search_soleil) has a new layout that I( 'd like you to read more about. )

( Last Thursday, I picked up some manga and DVDs at the mall. )

March is always really hard for me psychologically. Not quite sure why, but around this time I have the tendency to retreat from RL responsibility and escape into hobbies and wanton hedonism. An early kind of spring fever, if you will. This is starting to bite me in the ass, as I have work piled up to my ears that I am obviously not making any effort to get done, but ah well. One must make choices and sometimes they're wrong. I'd prefer to come out of this month content and satiated, rather than overworked and depressive.

The will to write is simmering somewhere in the pit of my stomach, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what to write about.

Most annoying.

Sometimes I just hit a spot in my day, week, month when I get a chance to just glide for a while. It's the point where the steady incline of life levels off for a bit and I have the ghostly sensation that I'm still going up. It's a short break in the general chaos. My creative juices, formerly engaged in such menial projects as exams and work and what-have-you, are left with my primary interests for a while and they have a cheerful little get together. Things that make me laugh make me laugh more heartily, things that make me cry make me cry more heavily, and, for once, PMS has nothing to do with it. Good people mean more to me and I'm more inclined to forgive. Right now, I'm sitting here with this goofy, sentimental smile on my face and I want to go do something nostalgic.

I know it can't last too much longer. Soon, my feet will touch down again and I'll have to do some more walking, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't appreciate these little interludes while they last.

I am so.... well... I dunno.

I never like to admit I'm bored. In fact, I'd like to say I am hardly if ever bored. And really, I don't think its possible to be bored. To describe it with any concrete information only brings about other adjectives in the context of not knowing what to do.

So, I'm not bored. I am:

Frustrated: Things I wanted to do are unavailable and other things I don't find worth doing.
Annoyed: Nothing I want to look at is available.
Blah: I don't really have the energy to go do something worthwhile.

I wanted to look in a fandom glossary and the site is gone. I wanted to read more Mint, but the thing isn't working anymore. I want to read some fanfiction, but know if I read anything more I will loose my already slipping grip on the other long WIPs I am currently waiting for updates on. I want my Gravitation DVD to get here, but there's no telling how long that’s going to take in Economy. I want to watch a movie, but I couldn't be bothered to watch something I've seen already as is the case with everything available to me in the immediate future.

I ought to work on the windows, like I'm supposed to. I ought to clean my room, like I keep telling myself. I ought to.... I don't know.

...

*sighs*