the temple bell stops but the sound keeps coming
search soleil
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July 2009
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search soleil [userpic]

I have no idea what to do with my life.

I mean, I do not know what to do in the next 10 minutes. I do not know what I want to do for my job over the summer. For my classes next semester. For my study abroad possibilities the semester after that. For my thesis. For my career.

I declared my major, and I've been having non-stop anxiety attacks about it ever since. I love English, but it is the helpless, impotent love of someone who doesn't believe it will ever amount to anything. My mother majored in English and got absolutely no where with it--never found a job she loved, or even liked, I think--even though she is a capable and quick-witted employee. I am neither of those things. I couldn't even hold down a summer job mixing smoothies, for fuck's sake. I'm practically unemployable as it is, why am I adding to the disaster that is my future resume?

And sometimes I hate my major, very specifically, because despite the fact that Barnard and Columbia are supposedly all buddy-buddy now, my major's department flouts all hints of bureaucratic progress in favor of being hugely backwards bitches and insisting I have to take 6 of my required 10 major-fulfilling courses on the Barnard side of the street, even though 90% of the 1800s-related courses are taught at Columbia. I'm going to try to kill two birds with one resentful stone on this issue and take enough courses to fill my entire Junior Colloquium requirement in one semester (this involves taking extra substitute courses, thus increasing my Barnard course count), leaving me with a semester to study abroad, worry-free (in an academic sense, at least).

I want to go to the UK so badly it has become a palpable ache in my chest. I have to study abroad there or else I will never, ever forgive myself. The question is where. There are about 30 options for me to choose from in England and Scotland, and none of them jump out at me in any particular way. I like the idea of Edinburgh, but it seems sort of weird to go there for the spring semester when it will be dark and freezing until probably a week before I leave.

I find it sort of ironic that my deepest fantasies right now involve fleeing NYC, the setting of all my previous deepest fantasies. I still love the idea of New York, and really, I love Barnard and Columbia most of the time. It's just that somewhere in the merger of the two is this trap of having no desire to crawl out of bed after a week of classes and taking flak from all sides for not taking advantage of the city more.

That is not to say that I have much of a desire to crawl out of bed during the week either. Burnout isn't great, guys. I really need to go to sleep, but all of this keeps swirling around in my head until I end up running to my delicious network to find something to quiet my thoughts for a few minutes at a time.

Looking over this post, I think it might be mostly incoherent. Time to pass out from exhaustion. I'm probably going to regret posting this later, but it's probably better to have it all out and set down somewhere than just mulling around in my head. Good night/morning to all.

Mood sullenMood sullen
Music Wild Honey - U2
Tags: angst, barnard, nyc
search soleil [userpic]

Right, so. Last Friday, I GOT A HAIRCUT. Like, a real, five-inches-off haircut! MY FIRST HAIRCUT. Unfortunately, it was without my consent, so uh, the shock was so great that I got sick immediately after.

A weirdly long ramble about the event and the resulting cold... )

I started feeling better just in time to do one last movie with my friends yesterday. We saw 27 Dresses which was, overall, about as good as we thought it would be. The plot was as surprisingly mediocre (even for a romcom, it was predictable and lazy) as the performances of the leads were surprisingly strong. I never really appreciated James Marsden. I thought he was a pretty kind of okay. THIS MOVIE CHANGED MY MIND SO HARD AND FAST, I AM TEMPTED TO MAKE TEN DOLLAR WHORE JOKES, HAHAHA. God. "Bennie and the Jets" will never be the same for me again. 27 Dresses had its moments, and those moments are enough to make me want to see it again, but I am the kind of girl to which these romcoms pander. See at your own discretion.

And then today I moved back into the dorms. Hello again, NYC. One of my New Year's Resolutions was to take advantage of the city more, so let's see how that goes!

Uh, and I'm starving. Going to go make a sandwich now. Extra-crunchy peanut butter, how I've missed you!

Mood agitatedMood agitated
Music Make Your Own Kind of Music - The Mamas & The Papas
Tags: games, haircut, manga, movies, music, no accounting for taste, nyc, rl, sick
search soleil [userpic]

1. FWS positions at the Met. When do I do homework now?
2. Asian grocery stores. MANGO MOUSSE POCKYYYYYYYY.
3. Asian grocery stores. RAMUUUUUNNEEEEEE.
4. Magnolia Bakery. Two, no, six, no twelve, BAKER'S DOZEN!
5. "Discounted" theater tickets and a floor full of Broadway buffs. I DON'T DO SADNESS~~!

The biggest transition so far, or should I say the most surprising, is that while my suburban heap of a body is suddenly the most active it's been in it's life, I am compensating for all that healthy influence by suddenly discovering the attraction of food. My once subdued appetite has somehow been uncovered by ethnic cuisine and unlimited meal plans. It seems that nothing can alter my inexorable course, what I like to call slouching toward Obesity.

Also, apparently the concept of "broke college student" hasn't sunk in yet. YES, YOU ARE IN NYC. NO, YOU CAN'T BUY THOSE AWESOME VANS AT KIDROBOT.

Mood groggyMood groggy
Music The Story - Brandi Carlile
Tags: food, nyc, rl, school
search soleil [userpic]

An icon dump!

Every single icon I've made so far, or at least what I feel is worth sharing. This will probably be a one time deal, unless I suddenly become really good at this photoshop thing and decide to take it up more seriously.

All of these icons are up for use, but no hotlinking. You've been warned. Please credit [ profile] search_soleil in the comment space in your userpics. Please leave a comment here if you take anything!

Hikaru No Go: 8
The Beatles: 9
Phantom of the Opera: 5
DNAngel: 3
Tsubasa Chronicle: 2
Shoebox_Project: 2
Hanakimi: 1
Kyou Kara Maou: 2
Hyde: 2
Gackt: 1
Unknown: 2
Lord of the Rings Doujin: 1
Magic Knight Rayearth: 1
Mahou Tsukai Tai: 1
New York Stock: 1
Digi Charat: 1
Three Wolves' Mountain: 1
Full Metal Alchemist: 1
Akuma de Sourou: 1

The Rest )

Mood blahMood blah
Music Romeo and Juliet - Indigo Girls
Tags: anime, fma, hikago, manga, music, my icons, nyc, sbp, yaoi
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