Because I really want to see a Merlin fanvid set to Amy MacDonald's "A Wish For Something More." It would be Gwen's POV, and all about her crush on Merlin when she can see he is too busy crushing on Arthur to notice her. For serious, every line of this song has a corresponding Merlin scene in my head. It is so clear that I actually opened up Windows Movie Maker to attempt the impossible, but it wouldn't show my video or even import the song, so I took that as a sign that I should accept that my place in the universe does not lie in the video editing arena. Doesn't stop me pining though!

Alternatively, I could make a mix. However, I don't actually care enough about Gwen to make one that was just about her, so it would have to be everybody/Merlin and that would go the way of crack too fast for this song to really fit in it. I despair! See icon.

As a bonus for reading this strange and pretty much pointless post, here's the song in question.

Mood awake Music A Wish for Something More - Amy Macdonald Tags: flailing, merlin, self-hatred and despair, wtf

RL rant in the next few paragraphs, FList. Run while you can.

So, I found out last Tuesday that my oldest friend's mother had died, and instead of feeling grieved in any measurable, healthy way, I promptly stopped sleeping. This went on in a pretty intense and stubborn manner until the funeral this Monday, which I skipped classes for, during which I had a good cry and after which I hugged my parents and came back to school and slept for eight deep hours, and then had one blissful day of relative normalcy before Wednesday, when my body decided to expel all of its repressed confusion and grief in the form of a violent stomach virus, and then, after 24 hours of sickness and delirium (when I should have been in class, making up what I missed on Monday), I woke up feeling mostly better except that I was suddenly, once again, apparently unable to sleep.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that death happens to good people, to people I love, and that my body is such a psychosomatic bitchface, and that I can't help but selfishly despair over the fact that this all happened a week before midterm season, and how I am in no way prepared to deal with all this except to loose my directionless fear and rage into the wilds of the Intranets in the early morning when I should be dead to the world and am instead far, far too alive to it.

Mood crappy Tags: angst, i am a vampire, rl, self-hatred and despair, sick

MY LIFE IS A MESS.

Thing 1: I got to college and on my second day of classes my brand new laptop died. I suppose this was partially my fault. I fell asleep with it on my lap, awoke to it in a pile of dirty clothes beside my bed, and then found later that day that the laptop's battery socket was so loose it couldn't recognize my adapter when I plugged it in. But this is not what I told the lovely people at HP when I sent it in, so they had me send it to them, where they will fix it for free (because I am still under warranty, because I'd only had the laptop for two weeks).

So, what this amounts to is me having an extended nervous breakdown as I keep reaching for a laptop that is not there, and needing to do work and not having a laptop to do it on, and etc etc etc. loweryourwand has been very gracious and has let me use her laptop, but I don't like the fact that I'm basically on it all the time, yet it is hers and she has regular need of it.

Thing 2: I have this insane schedule that I think I'm going to have to prune even though, by God, I don't want to, because all of my classes are awesome (except Astronomy, which sucks, but it is a requirement, so I am stuck with it regardless of my personal opinions). Probably what will go is the complit class (Big Brother: The Poetics of Power). Already gone is Gender and Sexuality in Ancient Greece. What will be left is:

1) Enchanted Imagination, which is an English seminar that focuses on the continuity of Romantic/Victorian fantasy into our modern equivalent (hahaha, watch me die happy).
2) Astronomy, which I hate, and its lab, which will suck even worse, hoorah! I will valiantly struggle through.
3) Victorian Poetry with the professor who taught Romantic Poetry last semester, and who I have a GIGANTIC ACADEMIC CRUSH on. Talk Tennyson to me, baby!
4) Literary Criticism, which is a requirement for English majors, and is taught by my current adviser, who is a dear, although he is currently frustrating me rather a lot with his fluid office hours which make it impossible for me to talk about my current schedule.

The issue comes from having so many English classes which emphasize survey and participation. Basically, all of my classes want me to read a ton and also write about it or present on it. And I am slow and lazy and do not know how to deal with the workload I'm looking at with Big Brother still on my plate. HOWEVER, I really feel like I'm limiting myself overmuch by focusing so closely on English, and on a specific kind of English at that.

And to complicate my feelings, I can't tell how much of this academic angst is being unnecessarily inflamed by my general panic over my laptop and if things will seem any more manageable when I am not a nervous wreck 24/7. This is why I'd really like to talk to my adviser, and why I am so very frustrated that he cannot seem to keep his hours straight. I am in desperate need of advising! >:(

Thing 3: In other news, I'm going to NYCC and I am very excited! I am also sort of panicking that it's going to take a whole weekend that I will need for the crazy amount of work that I'm doing, but I am trying to focus on the positive, which is Torchwood previews and free stuff.

Mood hyper Tags: angst, school, self-hatred and despair

I think the general problem here is that I've forgotten how to write papers. I'll have had to write five this semester, that is insanely little for an English major taking two graduate level classes.

Anyway, my dilemma at present is this: I've decided to write my Victorian Literature paper of morality in Dorian Gray. The reason I decided this was because my teacher brought up this argument that although Oscar Wilde preached art for art's sake and hedonism and all that lovely rot in the Preface of Dorian Gray, Dorian Gray is actually a very moral novel with a clearly moral ending. From there we sort of vaguely discussed whether that made Oscar Wilde vaguely hypocritical or if he was just being his usual contrary self, or what, and the whole time this was going on, the only thing in my head was that this whole argument was wrong:

That Oscar Wilde doesn't use morality in Dorian Gray as a means to an end like other books with a moral would. That each character has their own conflicting sets of morals, and that it was the play between these morals and not the results of them that Oscar Wilde wished to explore. That what makes Dorian Gray so disquieting to the reader is that no character is condemned--they just hurt each other in multifarious ways without the reader ever really knowing where the hurt and the evil originated. That the moral play and the moral conflict and that ultimately directionless moral disquiet is art as Oscar Wilde would define it, useless and unethical and beautiful as it is.

And that I'd had the whole thing explained to me perfectly before in Death Note meta.

Fucking Death Note, which, I'd like to qualify, I never even fucking finished.

But anyway, I thought it would be interesting to re-tailor all that meta-angst about a gay serial killer into a real paper about a book about a gay serial killer queer serial life-ruiner(?). However, trying to reconstruct what went through my head during this discussion is proving damn near impossible. This is what I get for trying to mix fandom and academia.

I blame this entirely on bookshop, especially since, when I sat down to write this paper about seven hours ago, I went to go find a link to this meta on her journal and couldn't. Argh.

But anyway, if there are any Death Note fans on my FList. The meta I'm looking for was a basic commentary that each of the characters in Death Note represented a differing moral standpoint, that they and the reader each brought their differing sets of ethics to the table and the resulting death match was what made Death Note so interesting. I already found another meta/analysis by bookshop that talks about Light's morality in particular, and how the inconsistencies therein which make him a sociopath, and that was interesting, but not the article I was hoping to find.

This is extremely frustrating and more frustrating because I know I am being OCD and tangential, but this is BUGGING ME SO MUCH GUYS. WHERE IS THE MASTERLIST OF DEATH NOTE META ON THE INTRANETS?